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Merry Christmas to All

The Perfect Storm

Colorado may be in a state of Emergency due to a massive snowstorm that pummeled the state with up to four feet of snow in some areas, but there is another storm brewing in Denver on the basketball court.

This week it was announced that Philadelphia’s 76ers Allen Iverson was traded to the Denver Nuggets for Andre Miller, Joe Smith and two first-round 2007 draft picks. The 76ers threw in Ivan McFarlin to sweeten the deal.

Take Iverson and mix in a little Carmelo Anthony, after serving his 15 game suspension for sucker punching New York Knicks' Mardy Collins, and you have the perfect storm.

Between 2001 MVP Iverson and Anthony leading the league in scoring with 31.1 ppg, this duo is going to do more than sell tickets, which they have already done plenty of.

The Nuggets, already a playoff contender, have upped their offensive threat with two players who can easily put 60-points on the board a game just between the two of them.

Granted both Iverson and Anthony have less than stellar track records off the court. Both have had run-ins with the law off the court. And on the court as can be seen by this latest incident, the two have limited self-control.

But at the same time Iverson brings 10 seasons of experience to a young Denver team that could use both leadership and vision. While Anthony has potential to be the next superstar in the NBA, he is still young. Anthony has led the Nuggets well, but Iverson will add depth to the chemistry on the team.

Iverson has already said he is thrilled to be coming to Denver, and it’s no wonder considering the team he is coming from.

The 76ers never gave half as much to Iverson as he gave to them by single-handedly turning them into a viable threat.

Putting Iverson into the run and gun offensive Denver runs is ideal. Combined with Earl Boykins, Marcus Camby and Nene the Nuggets now have the ability to do something they haven’t had in year – go deep in the playoffs.

While the odds of Denver winning it all are still marginal, Iverson widens that margin a bit and perhaps will give the Nuggets a late season shot in the arm to get them through.

Denver’s weakness is still on defense. Neither Iverson nor Anthony put up too much of a fight on defense. That will pose a problem against better teams such as LA or Miami who can match the high scoring points.

Denver will have to run their game from start to finish and take other teams out of it early, something it doesn’t always do.

If nothing else the Iverson/Anthony combination promises to be an exciting show.

Check It Out!

Drink It up

Victory Gin Reviews

Trans Fat Fight

It was only a matter of time.

After all the government controls what we see on television, read in books and hear on the radio. It was inevitable that one day it would control what we eat.

That day is three months away in New York City.

Tuesday the New York City's board of health banned trans fatty acids in all foods. Trans fats are basically 99 percent of all fast food. It is that synthetic material that makes McDonald’s cheeseburger wrappers transparent. Oh, and it also kills millions of Americans each year.

Yes, anyone with an iota of brains is smart enough to know that trans fats are unhealthy. So why is the government playing the part of Mom telling us what we can and can’t eat?

Is it this the next step in a totalitarian Big Brother society, or just the government trying to address a spreading epidemic of obesity caused by fast foods containing trans fats?

The new law requires all restaurants from MacDonald’s to Krispy Kreme to phase out all trans fats by July 2007. While this will make food in NY City healthier, is this going to fix the problem?

In a society where fast food has become a way of life for the general public eliminating trans fat is like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. Someone who eats five burgers a week and exercises by walking to the fridge and back isn’t going to benefit much from the new law.

The real underlying question here is why is the general public unable to eliminate trans fats from their diet on their own. When society reaches a point where it can’t control itself perhaps the government should step in.

But if that’s the case where is the line drawn?

By the same logic the government should ban other things that are bad for us like smoking, drinking or even driving which kills millions every year with accidents.

Whenever government steps in and regulates what the public can or can’t do, whether it is with food or free speech, there is a slippery slope that leads to a dictatorship.

So where does this leave NY City?

After a lifetime of trans fats, millions of overweight New Yorkers are literally addicted to this synthetic substance. Whatever soy-based substitute is used, those fast food addicts won’t be satisfied.
People will be driving to upstate New York to get their weekly fix of “real” burgers and fries. Trans fat smugglers will hollow out Tickle Me Elmo dolls to smuggle Big Mac’s and Whoppers into the city.

A black market will spring up overnight for trans fat products. The price of a KFC drumstick will be equal to crack. Shady characters will hang out in the alleys off of Broadway offering “real burgers.”

The crime rate is sure to skyrocket, as the trans fat ban will turn brother against brother and father against son. When the trans fat is out of the fast food junkie’s system doctors predict they will do anything to get a fix. Including kill.

Yes, be prepared for a violent year in NY City, as the streets are sure to run red with the trans fatty blood of fast food addicts.

Elmo The Drug Mule

And I’m back.

Sorry for the brief intermission between blogs there. Call it separating the wheat from the chaff, or just being very busy. Either way, the diehards remain and your loyalty will be rewarded in full with this insightful, yet ever-so witty column.

So where to begin? So much has occurred over the last month. There have been some great stories that have rocked the media. The Cardinals winning the World Series, Madonna stealing little African children, the Foley scandal or Kim Jong Ill threatening to blow up the world.

But none of those stories come close to this week’s topic- Elmo the drug-mule.

That’s right folks, Tickle me Elmo, the innocent little Sesame Street star, was captured by authorities last week in Southern Colorado smuggling 45 pounds of high-quality methamphetamine worth $864,000 and capable of supplying 4 million doses, according to the Denver AP.

Drug agents were suspicious when they tickled Elmo and he told them to “Go Fu*# yourself.”
U.S. Attorney Troy Aid said the alleged ringleader, Elmo Wagner the Third, was arrested Tuesday in Greeley after a yearlong investigation that stretched from Colorado to California.
Elmo was finally caught at the Dirty Bird Bar & Grill in downtown Greeley while selling meth to co-star Cookie Monster who wore a wire helping authorities close the case.
“I just wanted to get the kid some help,” Monster said. “I mean he was always twitching and sweating on set and missing his cues. C is for Cookie!”
When asked for comment Elmo simply said, “tickle this” while giving the middle finger.
Elmo, a furry red monster with googly eyes and an orange nose, stars on the popular television show “Sesame Street,” making the arrest all that more shocking to loyal three-year-old fans.

“Me love Elmo,” said Jimmy Murphy, a visibly upset four-year-old Elmo fan from Greeley who was under the impression “meth” was a form of cotton candy. “Me love lamp,” added Murphy before hitting the dog Jeepers and being relegated to a timeout.

Jeffrey C. Sweet, special agent in charge of the federal Drug Enforcement Administration's Rocky Mountain Region, said Elmo was working with about five methamphetamine rings throughout the country.
``I've never seen a meth arrest have more impact than this one,'' he said, adding that Elmo is a drug lord that will go down in the history books with Al Capone, Pablo Escobar and Tony Montana.
Elmo is just the latest in a long line of Hollywood stars to get caught up in the drug scene. Robert Downey Jr., Christen Slater and the Sponge Bob Square Pants all have had their run-ins with the law regarding drug possession.

Mark Burnett = Osama Bin Laden?

Preface: I would like to begin by stating that I have not seen the new season of Survivor and have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.

That being said I am utterly disgusted by the new season of Survivor Cook Islands. Apparently watching people starve in a world ridden with poverty and starvation doesn’t pass for entertainment anymore.

This season CBS series producer Mark Burnet decided to make race an issue, as if racism isn’t already a hot topic in this country. This season Survivor has four tribes segregated into Caucasian, Hispanic, African-American and Asian.

Is that PC enough for ya?

I’m all for confronting the issue of racism in healthy dialog, but pitting groups of races against each other for cash is about as smart as taking a bath with a toaster.

Let’s stop and think for a moment about the state of our country. We are in the middle of a costly war that has no end in sight, terrorism has reached the point that we have to fly without liquids, the President is asking congress to make it legal to spy on our citizens and torture prisoners and Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have filled for divorce.

Call me crazy but I think the last thing this country needs is more division. As far as I’m concerned Burnett is equal to the terrorists trying to destroy this country. What is the possible benefit to pitting different races against each other? The only thing it will accomplish is furthering the ignorant stereotypes perpetuated by media outlets like Survivor.

What’s next a survivor segregated by sexes? It’s going to turn into an episode of the real world soon. And how are you supposed to cheer on a team without feeling a bit racist yourself?

Instead of dividing why not unite. How about a tribe composed of a Ku Klux Clan member, Black Panther, conservative republican voter, pimp and Mariah Carey? If you put that gang on island and even one walked away alive it would be an accomplishment, plus it would be a lot more entertaining than watching a bunch of yahoos eat ants off a log.

Survivor Cook Islands has single handedly set back the equality among races movement by at least a good 50 years. I fully expect that by the end of the season their will be race riots on the streets over this travesty of a TV show.

My only hope is that somehow the tribes are able to team up and figure out a way to get off the island, perhaps a makeshift raft of some sort, tack down mark Burnett and beat him to death with bamboo showing him the real “reality” of the ridiculous show he has created.

Adios Muchachos

Perhaps readers out there have heard the news that this will be my final day writing for The Scene. Which in turn means this will be the last installment of the Lighter Side.

Now before my readers start worrying about how they are going to waste time and kill brain cells if there is no Lighter Side to read, let me reassure you their will still be plenty of pointless dribble printed in the Daily Record in my absence.

“But David,” one might say. “Without the Lighter Side how will we find out about such important issues such as great white shark attacks in the River and stray dogs taking illegal anabolic steroids?”

That’s a very good question and I thank you concerned reader for asking. Those who want to keep abreast of the latest in asinine news and my rants and raves are invited to visit www.davidslightersid.bloggerspot.com where the mayhem that is the Lighter Side will continue.

And the best part is there is no evil big brother censoring my writings at www.davidslightersid.bloggerspot.com. For instance like the way the title of this column was censored. Find out the truth behind the newspaper pages at www.davidslightersid.bloggerspot.com.

Now onto the big news of the week, the AP reported the Russians will not fire Madonna into space in 2007.

This comes as bad news to everyone who has ever heard Madonna sing. The upside perhaps they will have room for Prince on board.

The idea was conceived to garner publicity in an election year for the Russian Space Program and the singer who has expressed interest in taking a trip to outer space.

Madonna is not the first celebrity to express an interest space travel. Recall if you will Lance Bass’s training with NASA for a shuttle launch in 2002, when his check bounced. So instead of going to the moon, Bass decided to come out of the closet. A trip none the less.

I tackled this important issue in prior columns where I discussed the extreme waste of time and money spent when the genral public pays to go into outer space as a “tourist” or what I like to call UFI (unidentified flying idiot).

Well since then I have had lots of time to think about this issue of citizen space travel and I am prepared to redefine my opinion of it. I am opposed to commercial space travel in all forms unless it pertains to celebrities such as Madonna.

In fact I propose an all celebrity mission called “Stars to the Stars.” Basically we will stick a bunch of so called celebrities on a giant spaceship and launch them to dwarf-planet Pluto where they can all entertain each other.

Aside from Madonna and Prince the crew will consist of Brittany Spears, Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Craig Ferguson, Carrot Top, Mr. T, Lindsey Lohan, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, the entire cast of Friends, Flava Flav, Jake Plummer and that annoying guy from American Idol.

If the shuttle explodes on the launch pad NASA will consider the mission a success. I’m sure there could be a “Stars to the Stars” mission II, III and so on because really the list of people who qualify is endless.

Well there it is, my final column for what it’s worth. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank those people who made this all possible.

First I’d like to thank the first admendment, which gives me the strength to tackle such hard-hitting issues. My wife Becky, who helped me conceive half my columns. Big ups to the DR for printing my diatribes. Mad Man Macalla, for being one cool boss. A big shout out to the newsroom that had my back all the way. My stalker, I couldn’t have done it without you man; take your meds and keep the hate mail coming. Sports Dude, mad respect for believing in my chops, Coyote’s for all the caffeine Oh man I don’t want to forget anybody… what? I know I’m out of time. Oh yea the Record Breakers are No. 1.

Peace ya’ll I’m out.

Welcome

Welcome to The Lighter Side.

A venue where I take a look at the more humorous aspects of life and the world we live in. This website will serve as a new medium for the column "The Lighter Side" which recently came to an end. That column will be posted shortly.

In this Blog readers can enjoy an honest commentary on current events and news. I vow to use these posts to only confront the most important issues facing the world today, such as the spreading contamination of e coli in spinach and the threat posed by rouge Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Check back frequently as I intended to keep this site updated. Till then…